how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
