I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
