PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
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It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
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My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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