Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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