His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
