how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
