I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
