I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
