The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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