true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He better not be in your backpack
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
