honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
