I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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