he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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