I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
