I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
