...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
