She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
