so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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