We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I fill condoms, not promises.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
