oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
