i just google imaged poop.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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