I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just invented taco cereal.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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