neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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