is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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