i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
