you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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