If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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