Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
