Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
