Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
