My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
