none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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