You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
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It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
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He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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