The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
