i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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