You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
