I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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