Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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