I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
