I just pynch a tree in the face
my phone needs a breathalizer
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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