I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
