What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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