i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
the liver wants what the liver wants
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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