I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
