Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
