When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
