We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
