If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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