yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
