At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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