i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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