That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
