my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
