well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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