Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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