My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
